Its always what i think.

Day 177




Suddenly, so many things have been running through my mind.
The people whom i've always thought they're important to me.
The people who stood by me whenever i fell into any trouble or am troubled.
The people who cares so much, i see them as my love ones.


But, how many of them really understands what i'm really thinking..?


Frankly, i think there isn't even a handful of them.
I kinda agree with what min blogged the other time. About friendships. I really have so much, so much doubts about them.
I really wanna know what exact meaning does the word, "friendship" mean.
Or rather, on the other hand. I might not wanna know.
I dont wish to know if its the other way round from how i've always think it is. Inside me.


I often wonder, am i always deceiving myself?
I always tell people that self-denial is bad. Bad for everything thats happening in yur life.
Actually, i am too. Denying every fact i can. Every single thing thats happening in my life.
I run.
Away from it all.
And when i'm tired, i stop and rest trying not to think bout nothing.
Now, i'm tired.


I really am. From it all.
From all the running, all the escaping of the facts, from all every other thing.
From everything.


Once, this somebody who's really important to me, told me that be it friendship or relationship, it takes two hand to clap.
If that person's worth yu making that effort for yu to clap the other hand, why not?
Yes.. Indeed. Why not.
Thats the kinda belief i live by these days. But soon, i realised this is all bull.
I've always thought that, yu reap what yu sow.
Yu'll get what yu should and expect what yu want in return for everything yu do.
We reciprocate.


What lies..
Its all my one sided thinking.
So far, such things only happened once or twice.


I think i'm stupid. Simply too naive and simple-minded.
I always think i'll get back the same kinda treatment no matter what.
Its seems i'm wrong.


Maybe i should just change. Be some mean fellow.
But then again, how do yu change so easily?
Its mission impossible.
Maybe.. I might. Probably after some blows.


Ahh. I'm crapping again. I dont know who i am anymore.


I'm so so so lost.


It's 12. Happy birthday Singapore. Yu're 40 years old.
Congrats. Yeah, yell it out.


I saw the fireworks.
Thought of someone again. How time flies.
We're no longer as close as ever. We keep missing each other's timing.
We're no longer the same.
I dont speak as boldy as i do before.
Let's keep it this way. Though i hope there'll be a step further, i guess this is as far as we can go. Unless there's miracle. Which, i personally dont believe.
I'll pray for that day to come.


Oh yes, i needa mention this. Some idiot tagged at my 小老婆's tag.
Some ugly comments. That person is so uncouth. He/she must be someone who's simply uneducated.
Does anyone know how i can trace who the hell that son of a bitch is?
Please tag.
I will not allow such things to happen to anyone close to me.
That asshole had better not let me know who he/she is.


I guess, its time to say good bye.


Peace people.



ciao